(Bud is watching a football game on TV. When they win, Bud cheers. But the players were tackling Bud. So we go in to Freshwater High Stadium. Punt is hitting the snail 4 times. But then he falls.)
Cheerleaders: Freshwater, freshwater, go, go...
(The cheerleaders tumble down from the cheerleader.)
Jocktopus: Jocktopus, ball, now!
(Jocktopus is about to throw the football, but interrupted by Bea.)
Bea: Jocktopus, pass the ball to Fumble!
Jocktopus: Jockto-throw, go!
Bea: Catch it!
(The football was in Fumble's mouth. The football seahorse coach whistles the whistle.)
Bea: It's gone! Yeah!
Cheerleaders: Go, fish hooks!
(The cheerleaders tumble down again.)
Jocktopus: Jocktopus so happy, he could rip his arms off!
Coach Salmons: No, Jocktopus!
(Jocktopus rips his arms off. The crowd gasped.)
Coach Salmons: What have you done?
Jocktopus: It's okay, coach. They grow back.
(The baby hands come out from Jocktopus's arms.)
Coach Salmons: It's gonna take forever for your arms to regenerate! I need a new quarterback for next week's game!
Oscar: You should do it, Bea! You're practically made of pigskin!
Shellsea: It's called moisturizer, use it.
Bea: All right, guys! I am gonna try out for the team.
Milo: All right, Bea! Yeah!
Coach Salmons: Ohhhh, what am I going to do?
Bea: Coach Salmons, look no further. I, Bea Goldfishberg, would like to be on the team.
Coach Salmons: You? Oh. Uh, oh. Oh....
Bea: What? What's wrong?
Coach Salmons: Do you see the boys out there? There's a big difference between them. And you?
Bea: What are you talking about?
Coach Salmons: You just don't have what it takes.
Coach Salmons: If I let you out on that field the way you are, you'll be crushed!
Bea: I... I don't understand.
Coach Salmons: Good game, boys! Good game!
Bea: Boys? Wait a minute. Is Coach Salmons not letting me play because I'm a girl? Oh, no, he didn't. I will not take this floating down. Hmmph.
Coach Salmons: No, wait, Bea! Oh, she moves away too fast.
Punt: Uh, coach? Jocktopus's arms are beating up the team.
Bea: Ugh, the nerve of Coach Salmons, telling me I can't play because I'm a girl.
Shellsea: Wrong, wrong, wrong, wrong, wrong, wrong, wrong. So wrong!
Oscar: That's so not fair, Bea. You're so smart and talented and so, so pretty.
Oscar: Uh.... I meant beautiful.
Oscar: What I mean is, Bea, what will you do... teaful. Bea, what will you do teaful.
Bea: Uh, thanks, Oscar?
(Oscar laughs nervously.)
Bea: But this tea won't crunch my thirst for justice. Cause I'm going to show Coach Salmons that girls can play football too.
Shellsea: Snap, girl. I'd think you drop something, my jaw.
(We go in Mr. Baldwin's room.)
Mr. Baldwin: Listen up, you little sacks of sugar. We've got a new kid in class. What's your name again, son?
Hank: Who, me?
Oscar: That guy looks strangely familiar.
Hank: Uh, my name's Hank. Hank the boy. Yep, that's it. And I'm going to join the football team no matter what.
Mr. Baldwin: Way more than I cared to know. All right, go ahead and sit in Mrs. Goldfishberg's seat. She's not here today by some strange coincidence.
Milo: What up, Hank?
Oscar: Milo, you idiot. That's Bea.
Hank: Bea? I'm not Bea. I'm Hank the boy, silly.
Oscar: Oh. I see what you're doing, Hank. Hey, Milo and I totally support you trying out for the football team. We are totally gonna keep your secret.
Hank: Oh my gosh. Is it that obvious?
Oscar: Well, we could tell, cause we're your friends. But don't worry, we're gonna help you with whatever you need.
Hank: Thanks, guys.
Milo: But, bro. What about Bea? We should be helping her out. Check it out, Hank. She's our friend, right? And all she wanted was to be on the football team too. But now you're trying to do the same thing. And Oscar's doing that weird face palm thingy again.
(We go in to Freshwater High Stadium again.)
Hank: Hey, coach. I'm Hank the boy. And I'm here to try out for the team.
Coach Salmons: Say no more. Oh, Hank the boy, look at you. You're perfect. Welcome to the team, my man!
Hank: Uh, really? Just like that? I'm on the team?
Coach Salmons: Yes!
Hank: Ah, ha! So Hank the boy makes the team, and Bea does it. Hmm, I see now.
Milo: That's a good thing Bea isn't here for this. She'd be flipping her lid.
(We go in to the school cafeteria.)
Hank: Hey, girls! What's up?
Shellsea: Well, look who just made the team. The new guy, a wink, a nudge.
Finberley: We're so proud of you, Hank.
Hank: Well, football's always been a dream of mine. I didn't think this would get so much attention. I'm really just doing it for the team.
Milo: Man, how does Hank do it? That dude has been here for one day. He's already made it on to the football team. And he's got the ladies all over him.
(We go in to the goldfish bowl.)
Announcer: Ladies and gentlefish, give it up for the Freshwater Fish Hooks vs. the Tetra Tech Titans.
Tetra Captain: Hey, Freshwater, we're gonna flush you down the toilet.
Tetra Players: Yeah!
Coach Salmons: The tetras are so tiny and precious. They're like little babies.
Milo: We're gonna destroy them, right?
Coach Salmons: Yep.
(The seahorse football coach gulps the whistle in the mouth.)
Hank: Ready? Hut, hut, hike!
Fumble: Hey, I'm open! Yeah!
(Hank throws the football, but drops it.)
Hank: Uh, sorry?
(The Freshwater players were growling at Hank.)
Milo: Man, I thought Hank was supposed to be on our team.
Hank: Hut, hut, hike!
(Hank throws the football twice but throws it to the Tetra player.)
Tetra Player: Hey, thanks for the ball, mister.
Announcer: And that's a touchdown for Tetra Tech.
(The visitors point go to 6. Milo throws apples at Hank.)
Oscar: Oh my gosh, you guys? Did we make a mistake? Can Bea really not play football?
(Hank was crying and sobbing.)
Oscar: Hey, hey there, rainy face, what's the matter?
Hank: Oh, Oscar, what was I thinking? I can't play football.
Oscar: You know, we all have permission to make mistakes, it's called learning.
Hank: Wow, thanks, Oscar. I feel better.
Oscar: How about a hug?
Hank: All right, buddy. Going to get back to the game now. Oscar?
Coach Salmons: Well, it's like I always say, A hug a day keeps the demons at bay.
Man's voice: Colonel Salmons, no!
Bea: Hey, Coach Salmons.
Oscar: Bea! Hold on, you didn't dress up as a boy to get on the team?
Bea: What? No, I was getting up together a team of lawyers.
Oscar: Then, then you must be....
Hank: Hank, Hank the boy.....
Oscar: Hank the boy?
(Oscar throws Hank out of the bench.)
Milo: Why is everyone so surprised? The dude did say his name over and over and over and over again.
Coach Salmons: Why were you getting lawyers, Bea?
Bea: So that I could put an end to your no girls allowed policy.
Coach Salmons: What are you talking about?
Bea: You said I didn't have what it takes to play football.
Coach Salmons: The reason I didn't let you out on that field is because you didn't have a helmet. Safety first, Bea.
Bea: So..... it's not because I'm a girl?
Coach Salmons: Helmet.
Bea and the Photographers: Ohhhhh.
(The cheerleaders tumble down the third time.)
Bea: A helmet, go figure.
Hank: Hey, you must be Bea.
Bea: Oh, my. And who is this handsome stranger?
Milo: Hank the boy. He's been saying it over and over.
Hank: I want you to have this.
Bea: Your helmet? But, why?
Coach Salmons: Hank, what's wrong?
Hank: I've realized that I'm not cut out for football. And I only wore the uniform, because it covered my secret shame.
Coach Salmons: Oh, my!
Hank: Yes! Go ahead and laugh. Laugh at my enormous shoulders! I came to this school thinking I can fit in by joining the football team. I see now that giant shoulders aren't nothing enough to be a football player. You also have to have things like talent.
Milo: Man, that's nothing. I've got a birthmark of two chickens kissing. But you don't hear me crying about that, do you?
Clamantha: Oh, Hank, you're perfect. I know exactly what we can do for those shoulders. Go, fish hooks!
Hank: This is great! I'm good at something.
Tetra Captain: Go on, Freshwater. We're just waiting right here while the clock runs out.
Coach Salmons: Bea, suit up, now!
Coach Salmons: Go, go, go!
Bea: All right, guys. Time for the Sanford Shuffle. Hut, hut.
Tetra Captain: I got it, I got it!
(Bea wins the football game. The home points go to 7. But the visitors still get to 6.)
Mr. Mussels: You guys, it's an emergency. My lead male actor for my all-male performance of Madame Butterfish just pulled his groin muscle. Is anyone here man enough to take his place?
Bea: Sign me up, Mr. Mussels!
Milo: Hot dog!